Sunday, July 19, 2009

Horrid Horror

I am a wannabe. Someday I want to watch a horror movie all by myself…in an empty house, at night. At the moment, here is what the situation is like:

I need a room full of people (preferably the brave types). These people need to act normal i.e. eat pop corn, cough or sneeze regularly, leave their cell phones in Loud mode, talk to one another once in a while. In short, I need constant proof that they are alive and normal….and have not frozen into mummies or evaporated in the air (as I sometimes feel may happen, during a scary movie).

I need two men on either side of me (men, not women…as most ghosts are women in white, with their long hair on their face). These days Amit usually obliges by being on one side (god bless him). To fill up the other side, I look for other people’s husbands (not a good thing for my character certificate). I end up with the feeling of being watched, all through the movie…double-watched in fact (one by the spirit in the movie, and one by the wife of the husband who has kindly volunteered to sit by my side). That, I’m afraid, is not a particularly reassuring feeling.

I need these two men on my two sides, to not leave their seats for a single second. No, they are not allowed a bathroom break while the movie is on. So Amit usually empties his bladder before taking his seat, and advises the ‘other man’ to do the same. Needless to say, I do so too…and I don’t drink anything after that, lest my kidneys call.

I need all the lights and heater to be on (spirits, I hear, do not prefer light or heat).

I need a blanket to cover myself and my eyes when camera angles and music suggest that something horrid is about to happen. It springs from the ‘if-I-can’t-see-them-they can’t-see-me-either’ feeling. This however, does not work on exceptionally well-directed movies, where the most horrid scenes appear when least expected.

After the movie, I need an escort everywhere I go, including the bathroom. The distance between the escort and me is directly proportional to the passage of time after the movie (as more time elapses, the distance can increase) and inversely proportional to the degree of fear (the more scared I am, the closer I need the escort to be). At the moment it works somewhat like the following:

Day 1 (immediately after the movie) - Escort needs to be inside the bathroom, with his/her back turned to me. He or she is allowed to sing in order to distract themselves from the sounds that my digestive tract or an over-eager flow of pee can make.
Day 2 – Escort can stand outside the bathroom door, which will be left open. Again, singing is allowed.
Day 2 – Escort can stand outside the bathroom door, which can now be shut, but not locked (so that he/she can rush inside in case I get any sudden attack of fear).
Day 3 – Escort can stand outside the bathroom door, which can now be locked. However, he/she needs to keep singing so that I know that they haven’t left their posts.
Day 4 onwards – I am pretty much independent again. Escort should however be ready for providing service in an emergency (a nightmare or a scary scene on television).

Acknowledgements: Ma was my most loyal escort all the years I was at home. Amit has reluctantly taken up her position, after our marriage. God bless you both!

Inspired by a recent viewing of The Ring, at a friend’s place.

6 comments:

Debanjana said...

Superb...something that I can totally relate to. Will write something similar myself.

The Ketchup Girl said...

hahahahah...oh i can so relate this this too. I stopped watching horror flicks after Bhoot. I heard from raj that The ring is an extremeeeeeeeeeeeeeely scary film. Good post...my sympathies for Amit. :D

Paws Awhile said...

Not a big fan of horror. Doesn't scare me but doesn't excite me either. Well, may be I will allow a little concession to the Friday the 13th franchise. I think Jason is cute.

I remember buying tickets to a movie called Junoon (long time back). In the scene where Rahul Roy turns into a ridiculous tiger, my sister and my cousin, sitting on either side, nearly clawed by arms out!

No horror film with company for me.

spiderman! said...

Why watch horror at all ?

Julius said...

Hey! Very funny in an ironic sense. A bit amateurish, but certainly publishable stuff, like I had said before. Keep it up girl! :D

Sayantani said...

Well try my strategy....act all cool, ask people to turn off lights, phones wat not, bitch about why people need to have popcorn in the middle of such an intense movie.once the movie starts take off your glasses or lens n u r the coolest person ever