Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I have sinned

A recent visit to a little church in Fremantle sparked the religious cells of my body. And I realised I was a sinner. That too of the “deadly” variety.

"Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes."
This one’s going to take me to Hell for sure. Biriyani from Shiraz, momos from Tibetian Delight, fried rice from Lords, mutton rolls from Bedwin, gulab jamun from Haldiram’s…gosh, I have sinned. I have gulped and swallowed and eaten till I almost puked. And I don’t intend to repent or change. So Hell, keep the juiciest rats and the fattest toads ready for me.

"Lust or lechery, is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Giving in to lusts can lead to sexual or sociological compulsions and/or transgressions including (but not limited to) sexual addiction, fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, perversion, and incest.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be smothered in fire and brimstone. Not kisses."
On one of my farm vacations as a child, I once pulled a cow’s tits really hard. That was when an old man (caretaker of the farm I think) had taken us (cousins and me) to the shed to show us the big cows and how they were milked. So that was really bad of me and I hope that cow can forgive me for the torture. But since I did not really rape the cow or want to have sex with it, I think I will not have to walk within the flames. Not sure, though.

"Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be boiled alive in oil."
I exaggerated in my self- appraisal form and wrote the longest list of “Employee’s Achievements in the Financial Year 2006-2007” in order to convince my Manager that I deserved a raise. How very materialistic of me! Can I have olive oil in Hell to boil in, please? I seem to have a cholesterol problem and olive oil is all I am allowed to use. Thank you.

"Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be thrown into snake pits."
If Gluttony takes me to Hell, Sloth’s going to keep me there. Well, I am prepared for the snake pits …I have had my share of cooks and cleaners and gardeners and dishwashers and washing-machines and frozen meals.

"Wrath is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be dismembered alive."
I don’t break flower vases or expensive pieces of china when I am angry (what a waste). But I must confess that I almost bit a piece of flesh off Amit’s palm when I got angry once (can’t remember why). I also tore a handful of my sister’s hair when she refused to share a piece of cake (that too, after I had finished my share). Can I at least nominate which part of my body should be dismembered first in Hell? I’d like my stomach to go first, please. I always wanted to see myself without a tummy.

"Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be put in freezing water."
I have sinned. I have envied Julia Robert’s smile, Ambani’s wealth, Bill Gates’ brains, J. Lo’s ass, Sushmita Sen’s height, Dawn French’s sense of humor, Cliff Richard’s voice, Bill Bryson’s writing style, Oprah’s influence on people and Angelina Jolie’s luck with husbands.
I don’t mind snake pits and being burnt in oil. But freezing water!!! O how cruel!! I usually go without a bath if I cannot have warm water in winter (and sometimes even in summer. I hate taking baths anyway!). Please. Pleeeeaaase. Can I get lukewarm water, if I don’t envy anyone from this moment on?

"Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be broken on the wheel."
Usually, in most matters, I have absolutely “no belief in my own abilities”. But somehow, I thought that I can eat as much as I want…and not exercise at all, and can still remain non-obese. Now that I AM obese, this belief is shattered. So perhaps my putting on weight has some benefits after all…they won’t find a wheel big enough to crush me in Hell [Evil grin :)].

They say that in confession lies redemption. I hope the keepers of Hell are reading this. But if they were advanced enough to read blogs, surely they would have come up with more techno tortures like “data-entry for a 1000 years” or “write formal emails to a zillion people” or “read technical manual (perhaps the ones I wrote) for eternity” or “test buggy software non-stop till you die and are born again in Hell” etc .

Dunno. Any clue?
Image: Google


The Ketchup Girl said...

you scared the hell outta me. :D. babe, such lust? tch tch. Trust u me, every woman envies J Lo's ass - i so want to add my list here..
u make me feel like i am the biggest sinner on earth. Imagine what hell would be like with u and me- nevermind, we'll brrrrr our way out in freezing water together :D. I think i mus make my confession list sooner...before i'm taken to to fried like a mutton chop.
btw, laughed till i dropped. Now the debs are making more sense on their blogs, keeping me entertained.

Paws Awhile said...

My God! You are such a sinner! I never knew... Well, when I am in heaven for all the good things that I have done, I will be glad to throw in some mutton biriyani in the pit every time I eat there (that is all I will eat, of course). But only because I love you!. Oh, wait. Is loving a sinner considered a sin too?

Scribbler :) said...

@KG - Hell would be like a chatroom, with the two of us :)

@Ani - Thanks! Hell wouldn't be such a bad place, with mutton biriyani :) Love u too :)

Debanjana said...

I am the worst sinner anyone ever or me...and deserve a medal from the Pope, babe...for doing such a lot of research on Christian sins...keep it up...really cool post!

suranjana said...

good research work on christianity Miss Dan Brown! loved ur wit....but what about making me just realise that i'm one of the worst sinners if the six deadly sins weren't enough, added to it i'm showing the the worst kind of post-partum gluttony 'sin'drome :-)

Scribbler :) said...

@Suranjana - my secret sources have revealed that postpartum gluttony is excused. so u'll be fine :) and with a baby as cute as yours, u will always be fine :)

Abhishek said...

Though i qualify for more or less all the categories i have this feeling deep rooted .. that hell wont take me .. it fears I'll take over ;)

Scribbler :) said...

@abhi - For all you know, they may take you and make you the Project Manager: Hell account :)

manikarn said...

Haha! You got me totally rofl :) Interesting confession list I must say! About Bill Bryson's style, I think we share the same feelings. Fun post!!!